I have always struggled with identity and worth.
That sentence is hard for me to say out loud. For a preacher and yogi that guides others into understanding of their own identity and worth to have that struggle is humbling and also filled with shame. The humbling part is easy to grapple with. At least for me. I have no problem articulating an area that causes me to pause in my own humanity and ego. However, it is more difficult for me when it is coupled with shame. Why? Because shame is the underbelly of fear.
Shame makes me cover up. Because of fear.
Shame makes me hide. Because of fear
Shame makes me to play small. Because of fear
Shame makes me blame. Because of fear.
Shame makes me feel shame. Because of fear
And the cycle continues. And fear lives on.
Last week when I launched this website and announced that I was moving towards getting my book published. I was elated. I was humbled. But in the positive way. Then shame walked up to my door and began to bang, bang, bang. Demanding to be let in. And I became afraid.
My physical identity and house has been riddled with shame for far to long. I have been afraid for far to long.
My handle for my Instagram is "faithhadahouse" and it comes from a story that my friends use to say to me which corresponded with the meaning of my name, Imani - which means faith.
Heres the story:
Faith had a house
Faith had a beautiful house
One day, fear knocked on the door
And fear was not there.
So I am answering the knock on my door in faith in order to eliminate the fear and shame around who I am and the path that has guided me here.
The recent banging of fear to tell me that I am worthless, or a fraud or that I will loose out in the end is debt.
Oh that dirty little word. One that we hide because it is fueled with so much judgement.
Over the last three years I have worked really hard to eliminate my debt, one by one, bill by bill and countless phone calls. And as soon as I think its over. BANG, BANG, BANG is the knock on the door.
AND I become afraid and filled with shame.
However <<<< (heres the conjunction) >>>> However... Today - I am eliminating the fear and shame around my debt and refuse to allow fear and shame to guide my action.
I am no longer hiding.
I am no longer worrying.
I am no longer allowing my ego to tell me my worth.
I am TODAY living in my truth of my journey here....
and that truth is JOY!